Tuesday, November 24, 2015

(Flash Fiction) And now, for your entertainment: Some Horse****it.

(Author's note: Just so we're clear, this crazy monologue is a nonsense story. It's not supposed to be taken seriously or make any sense whatsoever, and is purely for entertainment purposes. Enjoy =) ).      

I was a bastard once. And a bastard who, by his very nature, did a lot of strange things, Most of which I am innocent of, I assure you. Like the time that I was accused of sucking my mother's bones straight out of her body when I five. She had flipped the vacuum cleaner over to clean it because it was so jammed with my father's body hair that it literally could not function.  How were we to know that the thing was haunted? I just stood there and watched, as innocent as you please, while the bloody poltergeist flipped the switch. And the next thing we knew, her face was half way through the end of the thing, and her body was deflating with all the dignity of a whoopee cushion. She didn't let having no bones stop her, a train breathing dragon fire couldn't stop that woman. She slithered along the floor and learned to stretch her limbs to stupidly incredible lengths and heights, never once asking for help, always insisting that she do it herself. . You would not believe how flexible a body without a skeleton is. Why, she ever got caught under the dryer once, which for the record, I had nothing to do with. But I was beaten severely for it nonetheless. I thought it was funny as hell, and so did the rest of Youtube. (I made millions off that video) My father had to hire a forklift that descended from heaven on little cherub wings while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy.

At least that's what my father told me, I didn't believe him. I still don't. I don't believe in God, never have and  never will. Hand me another beer, will you? Thank you. Now what was I saying? Oh yes. Religion is bullshit. A sour point between my parents and I. Indeed, in my early twenties I started my own religion just to prove it. Perhaps you've heard of it, it's called "Shove your nose up your ass-ism."  I gained quite a bit of a following. All of my followers were just like me, bastards of every description imaginable. What did we believe? Nothing really, we just went around town and hit homeless people, Mall Cops, and any other moron we didn't like with rubber squeaky mallets and called it "god's will." My following became so big and loud that we became the dominate religion from America to Timbuktu for what must have been, oh, five years give or take. I hear now they have moved to the middle east. I would be proud if I could be bothered.

But I did meet my wife among them when I turned thirty.  She was such a pretty woman, long raven colored hair, with a body like a goddess and the personality of an Orangutang on LSD....which come to think of it maybe she was. She was quite strange. But I loved her nonetheless, I married us myself in the most beautiful wedding ceremony you ever saw; complete with a death metal band riding white horses and dressed as cartoon bears and foxes (Give me another beer, thank you).  But you know what happened next? We were set to go on our honeymoon when a nuclear bomb fell in our back yard and failed to explode. I ran out snarling and screaming at it like a rabid tiger, and beat it with my rubber mallet for daring to disturb us, and then the bloody thing went 'boom' right in my face, the nerve of some bombs. I went flying into the air, I even cleared orbit. Nay, I cleared the solar system. Don't believe me? I have the holes in my arms from errant metors to prove it. I had to catch a gamma ray burst on its way to Pluto to stay out of the Kuiper Belt. And from there I swam back to Earth, helped along only by the power of my farts. It took decades. breathing ruins everything.

Have you ever reentered the atmosphere under fart power? Oh dear god. The sun could go supernova and the president of the United States could dash down the street upon a pink and purple elephant clothed in nothing but glow sticks while singing Lovely Bunch of Coconuts, and the only thing people would stare at would be me. I landed, butt first, onto the horn of a Narwhal. Who was quite cross, when he really had no reason to be. It's not my fault that he surfaced for air the moment I landed. But when he wouldn't listen to reason, the stupid fish tried to eat me. Quite rude. I had to break off that stupid appendage of his with my butt and beat him with it before he finally buggered off.

Prize in hand, I went off to find my wife...only to find that she had remarried a Chimp. A CHIMP! And they had kids, over a hundred of them. They were all lanky things, with long arms and faces that were shaped like cones, CONES! You could not tell one sex from the other they were so strange looking. I called one 'Little girl' and was bitten on the shin for my trouble. Still hurts, actually. But anyway, to tired to be shocked. I walked out of her house and straight to the bar.

Get me another drink will you?    


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Did you ever have one of those weeks?

I don't wanna bore you guys to death but, this video is pretty much what my life feels like at the moment. God hates me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Oh Coin Locker Babies, why you so Coin Locker Babies? (Book review),

I have to be honest, I don't really know where to start with this one. I first discovered Coin Locker Babies through a horror video game, Silent Hill 4: The Room, How did that happen? Well, soon after completing the game for the first time, I discovered that the book was an one of the influences on the game, at least in terms of the plot. So going into it, I expected it to be a supernatural horror story. 

Nope. that's not what this is at all dear reader. It's a surreal, postmodern, brutal literary book about two men, Hashi and Kiku, who were abandoned by their mothers as infants in coin lockers in Tokyo train station sometime in the early 1970's. Upon their discovery, they are sent to an orphanage and eventually adopted and raised as brothers....then it starts getting really violent and weird. I'm not going to share every little detail, but large parts of the book are genuinely disturbing, in that real life 'makes you think' kind of way.  
Anyway, like I said, Hashi and Kiku grow up as brother. By their teenage years, Kiku has become this outspoken hyper confident jock, while Hashi is timid and quiet....Annnnd then Hashi decides that he's bisexual, for reasons that are not explained till much later, and runs away from home to find his real mother and to become a singer. Naturally, everyone is rather upset about this, Kiku and their adoptive mother go to Tokyo to find him and are dumb or desperate enough to believe the first person who says they've seen him. Said person worked in a rather shady bar, and insists that Kiku go meet Hashi in an equally shady bar alone. Where Kiku kills the old man who tries to seduce and rape him. As if that's not traumatic enough, Kiku's adopted mother then dies a few hours after cracking her head open,...and then Kiku comes to the epiphany that the world is so worthless and full of assholes that it would be better if it all just went away. And now he wants to find a bioweapon that he heard about as a child called DATURA, and make that happen.  Kiku at this point becomes rather distant and cold, almost evil. I say "almost" because concepts like "Good" and "Evil" are arbitrary in this book. There's no external antagonist, and almost all of the conflict comes from the damaged minds of Hashi and Kiku.

Oh and speaking of Hashi, he's found in an even worse part of Tokyo and is working as a crossdressing prostitute until his debut as a singer. Oh, and somehow his singing is so beautiful that he can now literally hypnotize people, and cause them to have psychotic fits....Yeah, I don't get it either. He becomes a rock star seemingly overnight...annnnnd then he starts to go crazy.  I don't want to spoil it but, yeah, it's enough to say that there are times when Hashi makes Kiku look normal. There are other characters to look at, but I only wanted to focus on Hashi and Kiku here, because they are ones who are really carrying the story. Coin Locker Babies is a character driven story, in the truest sense of that phrase. Both fascinating and brutal. 

There's only one thing holding this book back from being truly great....the translation. Coin Locker Babies was originally published in Japanese, and the english translation is dry and bland. It gets the job done, but it's so mechanical that I honestly have to question the translators creative ability. Its because of that I had real problem getting into the story. It's like it wanted to suck me in...but it needed a new motor.

But with all that, should you read this book? If you can stomach the books harsh nature, then yes. You definitely should. If you're interested, then click the book's cover at the top of this post to get it from amazon. 

That's the review. Now I need to say something...*sigh*, I truly dislike talking about this, so I will be blunt. I need help if I'm going to continue doing this. I am really hurting for money right now and I can't find another job. And while I will continue to make posts, videos and working on my book, I need some more assistance to pay the bills and my other expenses like my ADHD Medication and my insurance. With that in mind, I set up a Amazon store where I sell, Books (including kindle books), videogames, movies, anime and music. You can check it out here: http://astore.amazon.com/awesostufffor-20  

I've also put a link to the store in the "links" bar to the right, and you can get to the store front by scrolling down and clicking on the box labeled 'My Store Front."
I also set a paypal donation widget in the top right corner of this blog a while back, so you can support me directly if you would like too. And, as always, there is my book of short stories, Walking with Summer Dreams on Lulu.com, Amazon (including the Kindle), Barns and Noble.com and the Nook, as well as my youtube videos. I won't beg you, but if you do decide to help me out, you'll have my eternal gratitude. 

Thank you for reading, see you next time. =).

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

When did lazy become the key to success?

This is one aspect of my work that bewilders me to no end. Can someone explain it to me? Why is it that when I pour blood, sweat and tears into something and, ya know, actually TRY to make it good, it goes absolutely nowhere, but when I throw out something that I literally put together in a few minutes with no or very little editing, it suddenly becomes the most popular thing I do? It happened with my short story A Lie Tells the Truth (which can be found in my short story collection, Walking with Summer Dreams or on my Deviant Art page ), a story I literally wrote in half an hour and took less than ten minutes to edit. And, more recently, It's happened with this video of the game System Shock that I literally threw together in 8 minutes because I was bored one day:

And yet, everyone I show the story to loves it, while the stories while my stories that I take my time on barely get any attention. And the video currently has 862 views and 13 'likes', while the videos I actually take time on struggle to get views in the double digits.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy that people like both the story and the video, but it's just strange; as a kid, I had been brought up with the idea that if you work hard and put effort into something, it will be successful....and now that I'm adult I've found that that's not always strictly true. My uncle Lamar told me that that's just how it happens sometimes, even pointed to Hemingway's novel 'The Sun Also Rises' (At least I think it was, I'm not sure now) as an example. He told me that Hemingway wrote that book in less than a month and thought it was garbage. But once published, it became one of his most successful and beloved works.

There probably isn't a definitive answer to this, but it's just been bugging me is all.

I got to go.Thanks for reading. Later.              

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

New Video and Random musings.

Not much to say, except that I had a good weekend, My Uncle Lamar (the one whose a writer) and his wife came for a visit. I don't get to visit them that often so it was great to see them again. Just wish that me and him had had more time to sit down and talk about writing, I could use his help with my book (even if he doesn't really read fantasy).

While he was here, I had the time to record the latest part of my Let's Play of Bloodborne. Which you can see here (remember to like, comment, favorite, share, and subscribe if you liked the video. It helps me out a lot):

I also saw Donald Trump give a speech on the television.....I try to be politically neutral on here, But that man is a wreck on the highway waiting to happen. Why does anyone take him seriously? All he did was toot his own horn and talk so quickly that no one could process what he was saying. Hell, I'm not even sure what he was talking about. To me, he should have been a comedian, he sure has the stage presence for it. And that hair....I'm honestly convinced that his hair is a wooden toupee that he super glued to his scalp. It's too fake looking to be anything else. I'm not gonna launch into a full anti-Trump rant here, but...yeah, it's enough to say that I don't think he should be in politics and I sure as hell don't want him as President.

That's all I'm gonna say to today. Thanks for reading everybody. Later.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I'm terrible at this, aren't I? Also, I'm on Youtube and I finished the first draft of my novel.

Something tells me that i'm a terrible blogger. But anyway, sorry i've been so silent guys. Life has been in the way more than i want to admit. For one thing I quit my security guard job about this time last year, which honestly was for the best. The job consisted of me standing in a corner of a J Crew in Lennox Mall (the biggest Mall in Atlanta) and doing nothing, literally. I stood in a corner like a puffed up marionette for 9 hours and watched rich people buy ridiculously over priced clothes ($400 for a pair of pants, are you MAD?). It wouldn't have been so bad if we had been allowed to talk to anyone, which we weren't. Hell, we weren't even allowed to catch shoplifters, the job was observe and report. I asked my bosses about getting reassigned, but there was no place to reassign me to.

Then there was the pay, $9 an hour. It doesn't sound to bad for a part-time wage....until you consider that my former part-time coworkers were making $10-$12 an hour for the same amount of work, and many of these co-workers were newly hired too. And my father had just gotten sacked from his job for really no bloody reason. So, yeah, I needed that money. But I never got it. I asked my boss about it and he said to get the pay raise, I had to complete the job training (which i never did) and pass a mandatory physical fitness test....ya'll, this happened in the middle of July of 2014, and by then, I had been competently "guarding" that bloody store since January, training is a waste of time by that point. And a physical fitness test? And one that used the physical standards of the US Army? What the actual HELL!? I have never been that fit in my life, not even when i was in high school. I already failed it once, and if I failed it again I'd be taken off the work schedule until I passed it. So I put it off and never took it. Finally by October, I'd had enough. I was depressed, my creativity was suffering and I just couldn't seem to adjust to my new schedule. And my father had officially retired so, I didn't need the extra money anymore. So, yeah, I cut my losses and quit. But now I can't seem to find another job. I tried going freelance with my writing, but no client has really been willing to give me a chance. 

So recently, I started to make youtube videos. More specifically, I make Let's Play videos, in where i play a video game, record it, and do commentary over it. I find it more enjoyable and less time consuming than writing reviews, which for me is great because it lets me have fun and it allows me to focus on more important projects, while still making money with Youtube's monetization program. And, slowly but surely, I am building a following on there. So hopefully this will work for me.

I haven't given up on my writing, though. Hell, after quitting my job, I FINALLY finished the first draft of my novel. Now comes the revision process. Its slow going but hey, I'm glad that I finally got to this point at all. There were times when I honestly thought that I never would.
If anyone is interested in being a Beta Reader and providing feedback, let me know in the comments and we'll set something up.

Well, i'm sure you've had enough of me rambling now. i'll try to be more active here from now on. For those of you who have followed this blog for so long, despite my long silence and aimless floundering; you have my eternal gratitude. Seriously, thank you. 
see you later, ya'll.

P.S.: Just in case anyone here is interested, here's my Youtube channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_UWRb-HygJH4-ylCG4G9Rg