(Author's note: Just so we're clear, this crazy monologue is a nonsense story. It's not supposed to be taken seriously or make any sense whatsoever, and is purely for entertainment purposes. Enjoy =) ).
I was a bastard once. And a bastard who, by his very nature, did a lot of strange things, Most of which I am innocent of, I assure you. Like the time that I was accused of sucking my mother's bones straight out of her body when I five. She had flipped the vacuum cleaner over to clean it because it was so jammed with my father's body hair that it literally could not function. How were we to know that the thing was haunted? I just stood there and watched, as innocent as you please, while the bloody poltergeist flipped the switch. And the next thing we knew, her face was half way through the end of the thing, and her body was deflating with all the dignity of a whoopee cushion. She didn't let having no bones stop her, a train breathing dragon fire couldn't stop that woman. She slithered along the floor and learned to stretch her limbs to stupidly incredible lengths and heights, never once asking for help, always insisting that she do it herself. . You would not believe how flexible a body without a skeleton is. Why, she ever got caught under the dryer once, which for the record, I had nothing to do with. But I was beaten severely for it nonetheless. I thought it was funny as hell, and so did the rest of Youtube. (I made millions off that video) My father had to hire a forklift that descended from heaven on little cherub wings while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy.
At least that's what my father told me, I didn't believe him. I still don't. I don't believe in God, never have and never will. Hand me another beer, will you? Thank you. Now what was I saying? Oh yes. Religion is bullshit. A sour point between my parents and I. Indeed, in my early twenties I started my own religion just to prove it. Perhaps you've heard of it, it's called "Shove your nose up your ass-ism." I gained quite a bit of a following. All of my followers were just like me, bastards of every description imaginable. What did we believe? Nothing really, we just went around town and hit homeless people, Mall Cops, and any other moron we didn't like with rubber squeaky mallets and called it "god's will." My following became so big and loud that we became the dominate religion from America to Timbuktu for what must have been, oh, five years give or take. I hear now they have moved to the middle east. I would be proud if I could be bothered.
But I did meet my wife among them when I turned thirty. She was such a pretty woman, long raven colored hair, with a body like a goddess and the personality of an Orangutang on LSD....which come to think of it maybe she was. She was quite strange. But I loved her nonetheless, I married us myself in the most beautiful wedding ceremony you ever saw; complete with a death metal band riding white horses and dressed as cartoon bears and foxes (Give me another beer, thank you). But you know what happened next? We were set to go on our honeymoon when a nuclear bomb fell in our back yard and failed to explode. I ran out snarling and screaming at it like a rabid tiger, and beat it with my rubber mallet for daring to disturb us, and then the bloody thing went 'boom' right in my face, the nerve of some bombs. I went flying into the air, I even cleared orbit. Nay, I cleared the solar system. Don't believe me? I have the holes in my arms from errant metors to prove it. I had to catch a gamma ray burst on its way to Pluto to stay out of the Kuiper Belt. And from there I swam back to Earth, helped along only by the power of my farts. It took decades. breathing ruins everything.
Have you ever reentered the atmosphere under fart power? Oh dear god. The sun could go supernova and the president of the United States could dash down the street upon a pink and purple elephant clothed in nothing but glow sticks while singing Lovely Bunch of Coconuts, and the only thing people would stare at would be me. I landed, butt first, onto the horn of a Narwhal. Who was quite cross, when he really had no reason to be. It's not my fault that he surfaced for air the moment I landed. But when he wouldn't listen to reason, the stupid fish tried to eat me. Quite rude. I had to break off that stupid appendage of his with my butt and beat him with it before he finally buggered off.
Prize in hand, I went off to find my wife...only to find that she had remarried a Chimp. A CHIMP! And they had kids, over a hundred of them. They were all lanky things, with long arms and faces that were shaped like cones, CONES! You could not tell one sex from the other they were so strange looking. I called one 'Little girl' and was bitten on the shin for my trouble. Still hurts, actually. But anyway, to tired to be shocked. I walked out of her house and straight to the bar.
Get me another drink will you?