Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Personal Rant/venting: When Senpai won't notice you.

*sigh*. For those who don't know, the term "Senpai" is a Japanese term most commonly translated as "Older Classmate." In anime and nerd culture, the term "Notice me Senpai" often refers to a character who has a crush on another character, but said crush is very one sided, and the ensuing chaos usually falls somewhere between hilarious and unbelievably disturbing. But that's not what I'm here to talk about today. Also, I apologize if this post is all over the place, I'm writing this off the cuff and don't have a clear structure in mind, so just please just bare with me, ok?

In my case, my "Senpai" is the world as a whole. What I mean by that is...well, I've been producing content on and off for a few years now, mostly here on this blog, and there's my book of short stories, but there's also on my very neglected Hubpages page and, of course, most recently Youtube. But you know what? It just dosen't feel like I've gotten anywhere with any of it. Now, I know that  99.9%  of that is my own fault. As I have no bloody idea how to market/brand myself, and, let's be honest, I'm not the most active content producer on the planet. But the other part of it, I'm assuming, is that I'm producing content that...no one wants to hear. Not in the sense that i'm saying some sort of hard truth that nobody wants to talk about, but in the sense that it feels like I'm the only one who actually cares about what I'm producing.

I HATE feeling like that. I want people to see and enjoy what I make, whether it be a video, book or whatever, but if these past few years are anything to go by, i've proven just how inept I am at pouring on the hype for my own....product (for lack of a better term). I remember back when my short story collection was first published on Lulu.com, I would spam the hell out of it on Social Media (notably Twitter and Facebook) and joining a whole bunch of forums and mentioning somewhere that I had a book for people to buy. But that didn't help at all. The only reason I did that was because I had read somewhere that both Twitter and Facebook were the best places to market whatever it was you were trying to market, and it looked to me like that that was what the other indie authors I follow on social media were doing and were (seemingly) successful. The problem is that It didn't actually work, and I kinda felt like a stupid asshole for doing it. Like I was trying to force people to buy my book. It's not until recent years that I found out that I was actually doing it WRONG. I didn't understand how things like Hashtags, SEO, branding/marketing or any of that stuff worked. Hell, I still don't fully understand how they work. Because none of the sources I used to try and learn how to market myself actually mentioned them; or if they did, then it acted like you already knew what this stuff was, or it was explained in a way that didn't make sense to me, and I don't really know anybody who could/can explain it to me.

As for the forum and websites, Guys, I'm already shy, and the only way to garner attention on forums and websites is be extremely active. But whenever I tried to be, that small worm of guilt kept wiggling in and I felt like I was using people, and that's something I just don't like doing (even if it is to my detriment). Couple that with not liking big crowds, being the center of attention and an overall feeling of awkwardness...well you get the idea.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want people to like what I do on its own merits, not because I have to shove it in their face all the time. But even then, I don't know how to make people care enough to even look at my stuff, And with my novel's first draft finished and me being on Youtube, I need to direct that oh so hated attention to me since I need feedback...*exasberated sigh*. I just don't know what to do anymore guys. I'm not going to stop making any of this stuff, but I just don't know what to do.

I apologize if this sounds like me whining with no actual point. And I know I got no one but myself to blame. But it comes from a place of frustration, and I really wanted to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading and for your patience, I'll see you next week.        


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